Dirty
by willlzyx
Summary: It is everywhere - following him, mocking him, haunting him. It won't leave him alone and it's slowly driving him to madness. The guilt. The hurt. The shame. The fact that he's so sick and gross and weak and dirty. - Warning: implied/mentioned rape, not graphic.


**The amount of stories I've seen that have "rape" and "love" in the same summary and "romance" as the genre makes me sick, and it makes me want to kick whoever wrote it in the throat. There's nothing romantic about rape. It destroys people's lives. **

**Warning(s): Mentions of rape, slight mentions of some form of self-harm (it's not intentional self-harm though?), possible ooc-ness, possibly au(maybe?) and, of course, this is one of my little-to-no-dialogue stories.**

**Disclaimer(s): I do not own Hetalia.**

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It is everywhere - following him, mocking him, _haunting_ him. It won't leave him alone and it's slowly driving him to madness. There's nothing he can do, to make it away; he can't wish it away, because every time he tries, he ends up wishing to be dead. He can't will it away, it always finds a way to budge back and attack him. He can't sleep it away without reliving the memories.

The guilt.

The hurt.

The shame.

The fact that he is so _sick and gross and weak and dirty_.

It's always there.

It's all his fault. He could have prevented this sort of thing from happening to him, and he knows that. He was stupid - he could have left earlier, ran faster, fought harder, yelled louder, screamed more. He cried - he still cries. - and pleaded to _please let me go I'll walk away and we'll pretend this never happened I won't tell anybody I swear please. _But it didn't work. Because he fucked up; he deserved what he got. He deserves to be unhappy and scared and he deserves to relive every moment of it, because he made the mistakes. He screwed up. It was _all his fault_. And he knows it.

That _sicksicksick_ feeling of those hands on him, pushing him and grabbing him and _hurting_ him is still lingering. He sometimes finds himself swatting at his own skin, to keep those dirty, nasty hands off of him. But, he knows there's nothing. It's all in his imagination - there's nothing there. Nothing there but the ghosts of those hands that won't go away, won't leave him alone, no matter how many times he hits and scratches at his own skin.

Nothing works.

He scrubs and scrubs and _scrubscrubsrcubs_, until his skin is burning and bleeding and red and blotchy, but it won't leave. It won't go away. The dirt is there and it's made itself a home on him, _in_ him, and there isn't a damned thing he can do about it because that's all he is, now. Dirt.

He can feel the stares other people send his way; he knows their glaring at him, seeing how disgusting he really is. They know he's not right, but they don't bother to figure out why. He doesn't bother to tell them. He doesn't want them to know, to think what he thinks - _Lovino is so impure he's absolutely filthy it makes me sick to my stomach stay away from him. _They'll turn away from him - they'll want nothing to do with somebody who is so repulsive. He doesn't blame them. He doesn't even want anything to do with himself anymore.

He's too dirty.

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**Short, yes, but I have a point with this. Even the strongest, most fearless person can crumble down to a small pile of dust due to sexual assault. **

**RAPE DESTROYS PEOPLE. Victims blame themselves and may end up hating themselves after it happens, sometimes taking it to extreme levels of self-loathing and going as far as harming themselves, or even killing themselves. Everything falls apart for them. No, not all rape cases end up this way, but A LOT do. There's NOTHING in this world that makes rape okay or, in any way, cute or romantic or hot. It should not be something you decide to toss into your fanic for a "good" plot. It's a REAL ISSUE!**

**I wrote this using Romano, because everybody always makes him out to be some big, manly, badass guy who could get away with murder because he's just so tough and fearless.. even though that's not exactly the truth (watch his scenes and you will understand!) Because of that, using Mr. Tough Romano provided a perfect example of what I wanted to get across - how something as awful as rape could break down even the strongest person. **

**I don't mean to pour out to you guys, but I wrote this coming from personal experience, so, THIS is honestly what happens to somebody who's gone through the trauma of sexual assault. It should never be taken lightly or as a joke.**

**Feel free to review - again, not demanded, but very much appreciated with the warm fuzzies! (: **

**Constructive criticism is very welcome and also very appreciated! **


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